Mobile phones and the sound of silence

I have to admit that mobile phones are one of the biggest blessings that technology has brought to us, but I think everyone with any intelligence would also concede that they are one of THE most annoying technical gadgets ever invented.

Which of us can say that we don't get annoyed when the person driving the car in front of us is so engrossed in texting that they drift lanes? Which of us doesn't want to slap each and every idiot-teenager (redundant) who texts the idiot-teenager sitting next to them while taking up OUR seat at the coffee shop? Which of us doesn't want the overly-loud, grocery store customer to get off their phone and just punch in their code so we can all move up the check-out line?

Now, I can understand if the call is an emergency, and I certainly wouldn't want to restrict those rare calls from taking precedence over my selfish pursuits. However, when I and half the lounge hear meaningful conversations like " ... and then I said to her ... and then she said to me ... whatever ... I am so sure...", who can blame me for wanting to wrestle the phone from the offender's clenched fingers and hurl it at the wall?  

Well, all is not lost, because there is a little-known gadget that can solve all of these problems, and also let you have a little fun as well.

But there is one caveat. Although this device can be legally purchased over the Internet, it is illegal in this country to actually operate one unless you are a government official. Strange quirk, but true. Therefore, my official position is that the experiences related herein were told to me by a friend who shall remain nameless!

Imagine you are sitting in an airport lounge and three empty seats to your left you can hear the vacuous woman saying such nonsense as "ooooh no, she didn't ... oh I know ... really, she really said that?" Directly behind you is a businessman with a voice 10 decibels too loud, shouting into his phone "Tell Jim to tell John that James needs to ship that package to Jacksonville immediately." Opposite you are two idiot-teenagers playing the latest phone applet with the volume turned up to the maximum and all you can hear in front of you is simulated gunfire. Now, imagine reaching surreptitiously into your briefcase and pressing a red button on a plain, black plastic box about the size of those offending cell phones. After about 20 seconds, all you can hear from the woman beside you and the man behind you is "Hello ... hello ..." as they frantically try to redial. Opposite you, the gunfire stops and never starts again. The woman starts to read a magazine, the businessman walks to the bar and the idiot-teenagers fall asleep ... peace reigns.

Imagine another scenario where you are on the plane just before take-off and in the row directly in front of you, someone is yelling into their phone. One button push and 20 seconds later you hear the all-too-familiar "Hello ... hello ..." Then, slide your finger over the ‘off' button and another 20 seconds later the conversation resumes as the signal once more becomes available. Let them chat for a few seconds and then click the ‘on' button again. It doesn't take many times for the "Hello ... hello ..." to turn into a flood of entertaining swear words and then complaints to the flight attendants about the lack of phone service on "this flipping plane". It gets even more amusing when exactly the same thing happens just after the plane has landed and the message "you may now use your cell phones" comes across the cabin speakers. Well, you may, but you can't ... at least not sitting within 50 feet of me ... er, my friend ... you can't!

And just how does one achieve these blissful results?

With a 'phone zapper'!

For about $200 you can get a device which performs these miraculous rescues. Using this wonderful device, you can 'close down' a supermarket with the press of a button. The only restriction is that because the zappers rely on a capacitor as part of their circuitry, it takes 20 seconds for the device to begin transmitting its jamming signal and it works for about 20 seconds after you switch it off. But this is surely a minor problem when compared to the "hours of endless fun" offered by these little toys. My friend (!) has been using one for years now, and has upgraded a couple of times to keep pace with the introduction of 3G/4G phones and the changing frequencies. Like all technologies, the devices get smaller and more powerful with each new release and no matter the cost, which of us can put a price on silence and on the contentment of a job well done?

Think about how much enjoyment and grinning satisfaction you can have just wandering around the mall. Think about the smiles that will be brought to your face as you once again hear that phrase "Hello ... hello ..." when you settle down in the bar to read the paper. Just think and listen ...

... ZAP ... ZAP ... ZAP ... listen to the sound of silence

Glyn Meek, with 40 years of experience in the technology industry, has earned his curmudgeonly outlook.