Preston Gralla

3 more things Steve Ballmer will do now that he's bought the Clippers

May 30, 2014 11:26 AM EDT

Yesterday I blogged about three things Steve Ballmer would do if he bought the Los Angeles Clippers. Now that the deal is apparently done, here are three more things I expect him to do. Thanks for several of these to my friends at the Internet Press Guild, notably Steven J. Vaughan-Nichols and Dan Rosenbaum.

Make Clippy the team mascot

Do you know what the Los Angeles Clippers team mascot is? Of course you don't. That's because they don't have one. Ballmer will fix that quickly and name Clippy the team mascot. Clippy was an "office assistant" for Microsoft Office, and probably the most reviled feature in Microsoft history -- and that's saying a lot.

Clippy will do a great job as mascot. "It looks like you're playing a basketball game," Clippy will intone incessantly between plays. "Would you like help?" He will very quickly fulfill a mascot's primary purpose, to annoy fans so much that when the home team is down by 20 points, they'll rain abuse on the mascot, not the players.

Run Blue Screen of Death plays

A screen play is one of the most effective plays in basketball: One player, typically an oversized center or power forward, blocks a defender by setting a pick so that a team's sharpshooter can get a clear, unimpeded shot at the basket. Imagine how well the Blue Screen of Death would be at setting picks. As anyone who's ever experienced one knows, nothing gets through the Blue Screen of Death.

Appoint Satya Nadella head coach

Ballmer's successor as Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella is currently the golden boy of tech who can do no wrong, fawned over by the press and competitors alike. In a few short months, he's managed to get Microsoft to commit to Android, release Office for the iPad, and give away Windows for free to makers of devices under nine inches. Does he know anything about basketball? Who cares? If he can do all that, the press will let you know, he can lead the Clippers to their first championship.