I hate Macs

My boss just said we're moving to Macs. I don't know if he was serious, but it might really happen -- he's a bona-fide, born-again Mac zealot, after decades of using real computers (he even had his own, successful Windows-centric newsletter).

I joked that I'll switch to a Mac after they pry the PC from my cold, stiff fingers. In reality, I'll just go along with the program and lose about 30% in productivity.

I hate Macs.

I hate everything Apple -- starting with rock star wanna-be Steve Jobs in his black turtleneck and jeans on his big, lavish stage, telling the world every three weeks or so how Apple's newest overpriced gizmo will change the world. Snake oil, anyone? Snarky, sleazy sliminess, anyone?

Oh, how I loved it when he dropped the price of the iPhone after the first wave of slavish acolytes did their lemming-like duty and camped out overnight to boost his stock portfolio another few points. It's a testament to the blind obedience of Mac-boys everywhere that all the geniuses at Apple thought that move would go over OK. "Why would anyone complain? We're Apple!" But hey, good ol' Steve made it up to them -- just jump through a bunch of hoops and you can get credit at the Mac store.

And I hate the products themselves. Overpriced, overhyped and underwhelming. Oh, I forgot, they have such "elegant" design. They just "feel right." All the stubble-cheeked, pony-tailed, black-clad hipsters in the design department get it, but us dweeby drones doing the real work are just out of touch.

Gag me. I've always been a function-over-form guy. I don't give a rat's, uh, tail, if my computer is smooth and white and shiny. I just want to crank out the next project.

And don't give me those phony cost comparisons that try to make the case that, all things considered, Macs are cheaper than PCs in the long run. Just look at the damn price tags. Spin it any way you want, Macs and the other iCrap cost more.

And innovation? My god, take the blinders off. I remember sitting right here several years ago when Apple came out with the great new feature on their iPods called "shuffle." I couldn't believe it. Before then, you couldn't play your songs in random order? I had been doing that for years, literally. But then, I was into MP3s early on -- my first music player was a Rio PMP300, one of the very first on the market. I didn't have to wait for Apple to tell me they were cool. It took them a few years to catch on.  Gee, where was the bleeding-edge innovation there?

And here's one for you: the new iMovie. Enough said. Too easy of a target. Wouldn't be iFair.

And what took them so long to jump on the Intel platform? That move (just the latest catch-up-to-everyone-else attempt) was another iShaft of their so-loyal camp followers. Didn't they just release shiny new iMacs or iBooks or iSomethings shortly before that, which instantly became so iYesterday and -- the biggest sin of all -- iUncool?

And, if I've got this right, iPhones use a slow, outmoded network, many iPod Touch players have defective video, and you have to send everything in to the shop just to change the freakin' batteries. And, in this age of openness and integration, iPhones are locked into one carrier, hackers are in an ongoing war to be open them up and use other applications, and songs from the proprietary iTunes can only be used on Apple's iJunk music players. Maybe I'm missing something here. What in the world is the attraction?

Oh, I forgot -- they're "sleek" and "seductive."

If we do make the switch, I'm going to be iSick.

And yeah, I'm ready for your iFlames.