Shark Tank: We have a winner!

Boss hands sysadmin pilot fish a network monitoring package that's been sitting on the shelf for a year and tells him to try it out. "I decided to load it on my desktop," says fish. "As instructed in the manual, I started with a process to determine the bandwidth available on the network and the size of the network. Within two minutes, my boss ran into the wire closet and frantically started unplugging every network line while screaming, 'We're under attack! We're under attack!' The activity lights on all six switches were flashing like a slot machine when you hit the jackpot."

Who Am I?

This help desk gets a steady stream of users who have forgotten their passwords. "Since the log-on username is normally retained from the last successful log-on, users sometimes even forget that," says a pilot fish on the scene. "With one such caller, after the help desk tech explained that her log-on was her first initial and last name, there was a moment of silence. Then the user responded that this information didn't help; she had been married and divorced so many times that she didn't know which name would apply."

Next Time, Just Call First

Boss's secretary calls the help desk to report that the boss's wireless mouse doesn't work. Support pilot fish has been through this before with his wireless keyboard and mouse -- the batteries are probably dead. Did you replace the batteries? fish asks. "Yes," secretary says, "the boss did it before he had me call." And that didn't help? "No, and by the way, we can't find the battery cover for the bottom of the mouse. So we have two problems." Sighs fish, "We bought him another mouse as soon as the computer store opened. So much for self-help."

Dial 555-ESPN

It's the 1980s, and this pilot fish is having trouble with an IBM 3708 network controller. "I had been working with the IBM support center to resolve the problem," fish says. "When I returned to work one morning, the graveyard operator had left a note for me: 'The 3708 sports center called.'"

Colorblind

User: "One of our color printers is low on toner." Help desk pilot fish: Which color do you need? Irritated user: "It doesn't say anything about the color. It just says 'Cyan toner low.'"

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